Stupid Cupid!
by polysgirl
Summary: Steph agrees to help Diesel find Cupid. Love is all around her, while she worries about just what, exactly, her relationship with Ranger really is. Sequel to Merry Christmas Stephanie Plum. :
1. Chapter 1

The valentines Sequel to Merry Christmas, Stephanie Plum.

Stephanie has to find Cupid, and figure out where she is going with Ranger, while love blossoms all around.

As always, I own nothing nadda zilch! Except Sin, who will likely appear because, well, she's too much of a hellion to stay away!

**STUPID CUPID!**

**Chapter 1**

"Babe. Outside."

No sooner had I walked into the bonds office, bearing McDonald's for lunch than Ranger had grabbed the bag, placed it on the counter, then grasped my wrist and tugged me back out the door. I glared back at Lula. She'd better not eat my food.

"You interrupted lunch!" I complained as soon as the door shut behind us.

Ranger didn't waste any time, shoving me into the alley. As soon as we were hidden in the shadows, he pinned me against the wall and kissed me, his tongue invading my mouth. I gripped his shirt in my fists and plastered myself against him, even as he plastered himself against me, the wall at my back. His tongue sparred with mine, and the searing heat was rushing straight to my toes.

He broke the kiss first, and rested his forehead against mine, breathing heavily.

"You realize Lula probably ate my lunch." I told him, between pants.

"I'll buy you more." he told me, and his mouth swooped down and began another sensuous assault.

Fisting my hands tighter, I pushed against his chest, shoving him backwards. I followed, our lips locked together. His arms moved around my waist, holding me tightly against him. I backed up until we had crossed the alley and he was against the wall. I was boneless, plastered against him, kissing him for all I was worth. And oh, I wanted him. I would never get used to this.

We must have both lost awareness of our surroundings. I was completely caught up in Ranger's smell, his taste, and the feel of his body against mine. So caught up, in fact, that the hard crash back to reality really, really sucked. Or maybe that was because the crash to reality came in the form of an arrow in my ass. I shrieked and jumped away from Ranger, spinning around and grabbing behind me at the offensive arrow. I was going to kill the diaper-wearing asshole who snuck up on us. And I was going to do it with my bare hands. Ranger had pulled his gun and was busy trying to jerk me behind him when I blinked and recognized our visitor.

"Diesel?" I asked.

"The one and only. Like the bow?" I stared at him, trying to gather my thoughts. He definitely had a good body, and you could see ALL of it - from muscular thighs to six-pack abs and rock-hard pecs. He looked GOOD. If I didn't have Ranger at my every disposal, I'd probably jump him. The only part of him you couldn't see was what little was covered by the cloth diaper he was wearing. And that was ALL he was wearing.

"Why are you dressed like that, what are you doing here, and was that really necessary?" I asked, rubbing my ass. Ranger handed me the arrow, and I looked at it. Suction cup, no less. Geez.

"Don't ask. Thought I'd check in and make sure I did the right thing at Christmas. And what can I say, opportunities like that don't present themselves every day." He told me, grinning like a Chesire-cat.

"You unable to feel cold, or something? It's the middle of february!"

"Don't go there." Diesel ground out. Ok, I guess it's a touchy subject, then.

"You could say that." He told me.

Ranger wrapped a protective arm around my waist, pulling me against him. "Babe. Who is this?"

"Man. Glad to see you made it home in one piece." Diesel told him. Ranger narrowed his eyes.

"It's Diesel." I told him, before he could pull his gun again. "You know. The guy who saved you before Christmas."

Ranger gave him a good, hard look. "You're right. You look different."

"It's the diaper." I volunteered.

"Fucking Gods." Diesel grumbled. "Look. I wouldn't mind your help keeping an eye out for someone for me. But can we go somewhere heated to talk? I'm freezing my ass off out here."

"Right. Bonds office?" I asked.

"Babe. You hate Diesel that much?" Ranger asked. I looked at him, questioning. "Lula." He reminded me.

"Nah. She's too caught up in Tank." I said. I handed Diesel his arrow back. "By the way, why suction cup?"

"Cupid ran off with the real ones. And I wouldn't do that to you. Although maybe I should." he mused.

Ranger opened the door and we all filed into the bonds office. Lula looked up from her Big Mac, and handed me the bag. "Here yago white girl. Left your food on account of you need more meat on your skinny-ass."

"Thanks." I think. Geez. I unwrapped my cheeseburger and took a bite, then peered into the bag and dug out my french fries. Ranger's arm snaked around me and stole a fry.

"Did Batman just-"

"Yeah. He did." I said quickly, cutting Lula off. Then, just to shock Lula even more, Ranger stole another. "So." I looked at Diesel. "What's the story?"

"Cupid got pissed and ran off. I need to find him. And until I do-" he swung his arms wide and spun in a slow circle. "I'm Cupid. It sucks. If you see him, call me."

"Nice Diaper." Lula said.

"What's he look like?" I asked, interrupting before Diesel could zap Lula into a time warp or something equally weird. "Do you have a picture?"

Diesel shook his head. "We need to go." He told me, snatching a whole handful of fries. I slapped at his hand, and he grinned at me. Jerk. "Can I get a ride?"

"We'll all take Steph's car." Ranger opened the door, and gestured me out ahead of him. We walked to my car and I climbed into the passenger seat, where my fries would be well out of Diesel's reach. I'll share with Ranger, not that he usually eats any, let alone the two he already sullied himself with in the Bonds office. But Diesel, well, he hadn't earned fry-stealing rights.

"He can change appearances. It's one of his talents." Diesel said, as soon as the doors were shut and we were out of all other earshot. "So who knows what he looks like, on any given day."

"So how am I supposed to recognize him, and why do I have to track him down?" I demanded.

"You don't have to. It's just that...You have this knack for stumbling over things. We all know it."

"Who's all?"

"ALL. Sweet pea, you're famous." I saw Ranger's face darken out of the corner of my eye, and sighed. I really didn't want a testosterone war today.

"Ok. So what, keep my eyes open and if I happen to see him, call you? But if I don't see him, oh well?"

"Pretty much. I'd appreciate it."

And I guess I owed him, given that he'd gotten Ranger back safe and sound. "Ok." I told him. Diesel scribbled a number on a piece of paper and handed it to me.

"My cell. Don't lose that. Can't have it getting into the wrong hands. Drop me at the Chicken place?" He asked. Ranger took the next right, and then pulled in at the Cluck-in-a-Bucket. "Thanks." He said. "My next target is here." He got out, waved, and strode off.

"That was weird." I commented to Ranger.

"Babe. Any day with you is weird."

"Gee. Thanks. Where are we going?"

Ranger flashed me a wolf-grin. "Time for dessert."


	2. Chapter 2

Ok..this is a bit rough. My muse is gone, and I'm pulling at strings.

But.. here is Chapter 2.

Please review, in hopes that they reach my muse's ignorant little ears and draw her home for the glory!

My only warning is this: Remember that things are NOT always as they seem… ;-)

**Chapter 2**

It was slow at the Bonds office, so after "dessert" with Ranger, which was very hot and extremely satisfying, I met up with Mary-Lou at the mall. The repairs to my apartment had finally been finished last week, and I moved back in two days ago. I was still a bit mopey about that - I hadn't wanted to leave Ranger's. We had developed an easy relationship, falling into a pattern of living that just seemed right. The nights were even more right. They were hotter than the fires of hell, and I loved every minute of them.

But still, despite Ranger's homecoming at Christmas, and meeting his family, and our new years night...despite the fact that we had traded I love yous a dozen or more times - it didn't really come easy to either of us even still - I wasn't entire just what, exactly, our relationship was. And I didn't want to overstay my welcome. Ranger had said before his love didn't come with a ring, and while I was willing to accept whatever he would give me, I also didn't want to lose what we did have by invading his space for too long.

I had to leave Sin, though, so she was still invading his space, and destroying it. No surprise there. She was just entirely too rambunctious for her own good. But she loved Ranger, and despite the fact that he claimed otherwise, I'd caught him in enough compromising situations with her to know he was quite fond of her himself. I even had pictures to prove it.

I pulled up to the mall and met Mary Lou in our usual meeting spot at the food court. And then, of course, we headed to Victoria's Secret. It was always our first stop.

An hour and a large sum of money later, we were on our way to Macys to check out the shoe department. I figured while I was there I would also check into distraction clothing. Probably a good idea. I'd worn everything I already owned at least once for distraction. And I was thinking a nice dress might have some benefit. Who knows when I might get a chance to wear one.

We were combing through the dress racks and catching up on Burg gossip.

"...And George Oliver went to visit Amy Carmelli so now her mother is planning the wedding. She didn't think she'd ever-" Mary-Lou shut up midsentence. Only one thing could have that power. I turned around and she was holding up a vivid red dress. "Steph, this is perfect for you." She shoved the dress into my hands. "Go try it on."

I held the dress at arms length and scanned it critically. I wasn't one hundred percent sure about the red. It was somewhere between fire-engine and deep burgundy...And in truth, if it fit right, it would probably be gorgeous - at least, if the color suited. What the hell. I shrugged and headed for the fitting rooms. I had dinged the bell and was waiting for service when one of the fitting room doors opened and Celia stepped out. Her eyes widened and she smiled, a full Ranger smile.

"Stephanie? How are you?" She hurried over and hugged me.

"Good-" I started, but was interrupted by Mary Lou, who, in a protective gesture, shoved me aside and planted herself in front of me.

"I'm Mary Lou. Steph's friend." She introduced herself.

"Celia." she extended her hand to Mary Lou.

"Ranger's sister." I added. Mary Lou's eyes widened and she smiled.

Celia zeroe'd in on the dress in my hands. "Let's see." she demanded, in the same tone Ranger often used. I held the dress up for her inspection. "Oh, that's going to be perfect for you."

"Isn't it?" Mary Lou agreed. And just like that, Mary Lou and Celia were fast friends.

"Carlos isn't going to be able to keep his hands off of her." Celia told Mary Lou.

"Hello, I'm still here, and he already has that problem." I grumbled, thinking about Ranger's deal for Sin's rent. Celia laughed and stepped out of the doorway to her dressing room, catching my arm and tugging me in.

"We want to see." she told me, as the door closed. I pulled my shirt over my head and tugged off my jeans, then shimmied into the dress. It fit well, and the color suited, but I wasn't sure. It was far from racy, but I still felt exposed. I took a breath to fortify myself, and stepped out to meet the girls' scrutiny.

"Wow." Mary Lou said.

"Perfect." was Celia's contribution.

"Too expensive." I said.

"Way worth it." Celia argued back.

"Not when it's only going to last a tenth of a second!" That's about how long it'll take Ranger to rip it off my body.

Celia gave me a knowing look. "I give it at least five minutes and a tenth of a second. It'll take the first five for him to be able to move again after he sees you. In fact..." her face lit up in a sly grin "You should wear that on Sunday. It is semi-formal afterall."

"What's Sunday?"

"Mama and Papa's anniversary. Carlos didn't tell you?" Celia asked, and then started again before I could get a word in edgewise. "He's going to pretend he forgot, the ass!" she exclaimed, and pulled out her phone. She pressed two, and waited.

"Carlos." she said when he answered. "What time will we see you and Stephanie on Sunday?" She paused. "Thinking of an excuse, are you? Going to pretend you forgot? I know you to well, little brother, you don't forget anything." Another pause. "You WILL be there. And don't worry about asking Stephanie. I think she will be getting ready at my place. She'll meet you there." Another pause, I could hear Ranger through the phone now, his voice terse, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. "NO. She will meet you there. I don't care Carlos." And Celia hung up on him. "Geez."

"Did you just...?" I stammered. Hung up, on Ranger?? No one hangs up on Ranger. I tried it once, and he was not happy. Celia just looked at me and shrugged, as her phone rang. She checked the display and laughed.

"Foolish man. You're going to knock his socks off when he sees you in that. And he can't use the dress as an excuse for you guys to not make it either if you get ready at our place." Celia looked notably pleased with herself.

"His socks aren't all I'll knock off." I said. By the time I was done knocking things off of him, we'd both be naked and on a horizontal surface. I shook my head and turned back into the fitting room as Mary Lou gasped, and Celia chuckled. I checked my reflection in the mirror and held my hair up off my neck. Yeah, it really was a spectacular dress. And Ranger really was going to love it. What the hell.

"I need shoes." I told the girls when I rejoined them. And our shopping duo became a trio as we headed towards the shoe department. And Celia's phone rang again. She checked the display and grinned, before shoving it back in her purse.

"Carlos." she told me. "He hates it when I hang up on him." No kidding. Celia was definitely a Manoso that way - she has guts. No sooner did her phone quit ringing than mine started. I recognized the ringtone and raised an eyebrow at Celia as I dug through my bag. My fingers sifted through cuffs and pepper spray, among other things, before coming to rest on the antenna of the phone. I dug it out and flipped it open.

"Yo."

"Babe."

There was silence, and Ranger was obviously waiting for me to say something. Probably spill my guts about Celia or something. I waited a second and then spoke up. "Ranger."

"What are you doing?" He asked, when it became obvious that I wasn't going to volunteer any information.

"Shopping." I told him. Ha. I can do one word answers too!

"With my sister." he said flatly. "You didn't tell me you were going shopping with my sister."

"I didn't know. We just kind of ran into each other." I admitted.

"Let me talk to her." He said. I cut my eyes to Celia and she shook her head. Shit.

"Uh..you can't." Think Stephanie, think. You need a lie.

"Why not?" He asked, suspicion lacing his voice.

"She's indisposed." I told him.

"How so? I can indispose of her myself." He threatened. Celia was his sister, so I was pretty sure it was an empty threat.

"Um...You probably don't want to know." I said. I was stalling, and probably he knew it. I never could lie.

"I don't mind knowing."

Shit. "She's trying on" I looked to the other two. Mary Lou had gotten a hold of my VS bag and was conferring with Celia as to whether or not I needed more underwear to go with the dress. "Underwear."

"Babe." His voice was pained.

"Told you you didn't want to know."

"You're lying."

Damn. "Nope. Not me." I said.

"Babe." Ranger said. And then he sighed. Holy Moly! Batman never sighs! "Don't encourage her." And he hung up.

"It's not my fault!" I said to the dead phone as I flipped it shut.

"What'd he say?" Celia looked up from my pink VS bag.

"Not to encourage you." I rolled my eyes. "Like you need encouragement."

Celia just grinned, and we turned our attention to the shoes.

Forty minutes and three pairs of shoes each later, we finished at Macy's and headed towards the food court. We needed a snack. Celia and Mary Lou had deemed one of my VS purchases as being acceptable to go with the red dress, but we were still going back, because Celia hadn't been yet. I wasn't complaining. We were just turning towards the food court when I, literally, ran into Joe.

"Sorry Cupcake." He said, steadying me with one arm.

"What's up?" I asked him.

"Shopping."

"Yeah, well, it is a mall." I pointed out. Joe shifted his weight, and crooked a half smile at me. He looked...nervous.

"Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Something wrong?"

"Who's this?" he indicated Celia.

"Celia. Ranger's older sister."

"Shopping with the future in-law." he grinned at me.

"Not future in-law, and it just kinda happened." I narrowed my eyes. "And Joe? You avoided my question."

Joe blew out a sigh. Geez, what is it with the men in my life and sighing today? That's two! " I could use your advice." He asked me. Mary Lou looked at him curiously, and I could tell she wanted in on whatever was happening. "Privately." he added.

"Sure." Joe steered me away, as Celia dragged Mary Lou into the food court. I called back to them that I would meet them back there.

"So?"

"I..I'm...I want..."

"Spit it out, Joe."

"I'm going to ask Elaine to marry me on Valentines Day." I felt a pang in my heart - not because Joe was marrying Elaine instead of me, but Joe was going to ask Elaine to marry him, and I had no one...well..I had Ranger, but I still had no idea what our relationship was.

I shoved that thought away, and smiled at Joe. "That's great! You guys are perfect for each other. What's the problem?"

Joe steered me into the Jewelry store. "I need to find a ring."

"Oh no. I am not choosing your fiance's ring." I Told him. "No way."

"Cupcake, just your opinion." he said, and then we both stared in shock as a man at the back of the room straightened, and turned to look at us, shock mirrored in his expression.

"Are you...?" I started, staring at Tank. He gave me a slightly sheepish look, and nodded.

"Find a ring yet?"

"Not sure. Maybe. Don't wanna screw it up."

"I hear you, man." Joe said. "Heavy stuff."

I rolled my eyes, then glanced at the ring Tank had been analyzing. I headed over for a closer look. "Nice.." The ring was big, with a huge princess cut diamond, and it looked just gaudy enough for Lula. It was a ring that would leave a permanent mark if she punched someone. Lula would like that.

"Think she'll like it?"

"I think she'll love it. But if you're not sure, you can always bring her to choose her own ring." I suggested.

"Probably she'll choose that one." Tank mused. I nodded. Probably he was right.

"Find anything?" I asked Joe.

"I don't know. Maybe that one?" He pointed to a fairly simple ring, with a fairly good sized diamond. It was one that would fit well underneath her surgical gloves at the hospital, and I thought she would like it.

"Nice." I said. "But if you aren't comfortable, just let her choose her own." I wasn't comfortable with this situation. It was weird. But then, most of my life was.

"Would you be ok with it if Ranger proposed and then went ring shopping with you afterwards?"

That was never going to happen. Not only because Ranger would never propose, but also because if Ranger decided to buy me a ring, he would never let me choose - because he'd want to buy me something way more expensive than I would be willing to pick out for myself. Kind of like cars. Like my red Mustang. "Absolutely." I told him.

"There are so many that seem perfect for her." Joe mused.

"So tell her that. Come on. I gotta get back to the girls."

"I'll walk you back."

"Girls?" Tank asked.

"Celia and Mary Lou."

"Celia? Ranger know about this?"

"He does now. And it's all Celia's fault!" I said dryly, and led the way out of the store. We all headed towards the food court - Joe was adamant about walking me back, and Tank wanted to say hello to Celia. We had just gotten to the table the girls had snagged when Joe jumped. Instinctively, I reached behind him and yanked, pulling an arrow out of his ass. No one around us seemed to notice anything, but him and me. I turned the arrow over in my hands.

"Where'd that come from?" Celia looked confused as she caught sight of the arrow. Mary Lou and Tank looked equally mystified.

"Cupcake?" Joe asked. I quit turning the arrow around and looked up at him, meeting his gaze. His eyes darkened, and he dropped to one knee.

"Are you ok?" I asked, reaching out towards him. Joe grasped my hands in both of his and looked up into my eyes.

"Stephanie, Cupcake...Will you marry me?"


	3. Chapter 3

First Order of Business is to thank Diesel for his most excellent work as my temporary muse. He truly is the best … oh good, he's looking away – listen, he's arrogant and has too much ego and is rapidly sending this story spiralling into the absurd. He's difficult to work with and not…..He is the most reliable muse EVER! So a big round…Oh good. Geez, and he's attention driven. I almost think I'd prefer NO muse to him! But I won't complain too much, because this story is getting written. I Just wish Diesel would appear to help me at times other than 3 a.m.

So.. of course…Diesel needs your reviews to make sure he's doing a good job as my muse. Yes, the spinning and rolling of the screen that you see IS me rolling my eyes. Geez.

Again, written mostly in the middle of the night, and it feels rough, to me. But maybe that's because Diesel and I haven't found a rhythm yet…. **Get your minds OUT of the gutter!!!!!**

**;-)**

**Chapter 3**

"M-Marry you?!" I stammered. What the hell? I looked at the arrow that hung limply from Tank's hands. "What about Elaine?"

"What about her?" Joe looked genuinely puzzled. "She's not important. I want to marry YOU." He insisted.

"No, Joe, you don't." I said softly. "You want to marry Elaine."

"No!" he protested, getting agitated. "I want to marry you. Elaine was just a distraction. I'll even call her, and let her know it's over, right now." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, flipping it open.

Omigod. I looked at the girls and they looked shocked. Celia's chin was on the floor, and Mary Lou was squeaking. Tank looked similarily shocked. I kicked him in the shin, and he snapped out of it. Thank god he was trained to deal with anything.

"What's her number again?" Joe fretted as he stared at his phone.

"Joe. What are you doing?" Tank said, his voice soft and quiet.

"Gotta tell Elaine it's over so I can marry Stephanie." I was digging through my purse, frantically. I came out with the stun gun and Tank glanced at it, then grabbed it from me. He flipped the switch and as Joe dialed the last digit in Elaine's phone number, Tank reached out and stunned him.

I pulled my cuffs out and we cuffed him quickly.

"He's FTA." I told the growing crowd of witnesses. Tank hefted him up on his shoulder, and we all got up and left in a hurry.

"We'll take him to Mary Lou's van. I'll take him to my apartment." I said, as I walked and dug through my purse. I was looking for that stupid little piece of paper with Diesel's number.

"We'll load him in the Bronco. Mary Lou can go home, and Celia too."

"This didn't happen." I warned them. "Do not breathe a word. I mean it, Mary Lou. This isn't gossip. I need to fix this." Diesel needed to fix this. Mary Lou nodded and hugged me quickly, before we split up and I headed with Tank to the Bronco, shopping bags in hand. We stuffed Morelli into the back seat, along with my purchases, and then headed to my apartment as fast as Tank dared drive. We did, of course, stop very quickly for donuts. I needed sugar in the worst way. As we drove, I dialed Diesel and left a message, demanding his get his ass to my apartment A.S.A.P. It wasn't a very nice message, but I wasn't feeling very nice right now.

Forty minutes later Diesel popped in, literally. Tank and I had Joe tied to a chair in the kitchen - to keep him from escaping - and he was arguing and protesting loudly. Tank stood silent guard over him. Pretty sure he making sure I didn't deck the idiot, as he went on and on about how he was going to marry ME, and how he needed to phone Elaine and break it off so he could marry ME, and he needed to do it NOW! Ooooh, I wanted to stun him again. Tank wouldn't let me, so I was pacing the living room. I'd already called Elaine and told her that we'd run into a problem and Joe would be running late for their date, but he'd call her. He could explain why I called instead of him. Now all that was left was fixing this problem.

"So you have a small problem, huh?" Diesel flashed me a wicked grin.

"Don't know that I'd call this small. What, exactly, haven't you been telling me?" I demanded.

"Well..." Diesel hedged.

"Don't WELL anything. An arrow hit Joe and he damned near ruined his relationship with Elaine! He had his phone out to tell her "sorry Muffin, it's been fun!"! What the HELL is going on?" I needed another donut. I grabbed one and stuffed half in my mouth.

"Cupid ran away, with his arrows, and he's on a mission to destroy love."

"Destroy love." I repeated around a mouthful. Great. Why can't my life ever, EVER be normal?

"Yeah. Pair people up with the wrong people. Make people miserable. Because apparently the rest of us don't take his job "seriously" enough. Geez. All I did was call him 'the lovebug.'" Diesel grinned at me. "He's rather sensitive."

"Ya think?" I scowled at him. I turned and pointed at Joe, who fighting the ropes keeping him restrained to the chair. "Fix that."

Diesel walked over to Joe, and Joe's eyes widened. Probably a nearly naked man wasn't what he was expecting. Then again, the only thing Joe was expecting was to marry ME right now, and that wasn't happening.

Diesel pulled a bag out of his diaper, did some magic thing with his fingers, sprinkled some dust over Joe's head, and stepped back. Joe sneezed once. Twice. Three times. Then...

"Cupcake?"

"Calling the wedding off?" I asked, and I couldn't keep the hope from my tone.

"What wedding?"

"Ours."

Joe went white. "I didn't...do anything...stupid, did I?"

"Like call Elaine and order her out of your life? No. We stunned you before you could actually talk to her."

"You stunned me?!" Joe's eyes narrowed. Then he gave his head a sharp shake as Tank untied and uncuffed him. "What happened?"

"Just a blip." Diesel told him.

"A blip."

"Yeah. A blip." A staring contest started, as Diesel and Joe both tried to silently demand supremacy.

Then Joe shrugged, and looked at his watch. "Shit. I was supposed to meet Elaine a half hour ago."

"I called her and told you you were indisposed and would call her as soon as you could."

Joe looked at me, and let out a breath. "Thanks Cupcake. You're one in a million" He stepped forward and hugged me. "I'm sorry for...well, I don't remember what happened, really."

"Just make sure next time you propose, it's to Elaine." I told him, hugging him back and then stepping out of his arms. "See you thursday!" I told him as he left, flipping his phone open to call Elaine as he walked.

"I'm off too." Tank told me, tugging on one of my curls.

"Plans with Lula?" I asked. Tank just grinned, and closed the door silently behind himself.

"So how does this Cupid thing really work?" I asked once Diesel and I were alone.

"Cupid tags two people for each other."

"With the arrows?"

"With filament, actually. He's just using the arrows for additional drama - he's kind of a drama queen."

"So... He tags these people..with filament. Cupid randomly picks people, tags them, and that's who they life happily ever after with."

"No. Cupid tags people who are already marked as soulmates, at a time when they are in the same vicinity. Everyone in the universe has a pre-determined match. Cupid just allows them to recognize their mate."

I thought about that for a minute. And then I wondered. "Who's mine?"

"You're denser than I thought if you don't know that already." Diesel told me, and then he was gone.

I huffed a sigh, cracked open a Corona, and flopped on the couch. I grabbed the remote and clicked the tv on, flipping through the channels. Nothing good on, Huh. I had sucked back half of the beer and still hadn't managed to finish debating my options when my phone rang.

"Come pay your bill." Ranger greeted me when I answered the phone.

"Again?! I paid you at noon!" Now that I was living in my apartment again, and Sin was still at Ranger's, Ranger had decided that I needed to pay for Sin's disastrous tendancies. Really, it was just his excuse for calling me when he wanted to get me into bed. Like when Joe would tell me that Bob missed me. Yeah. Right. Personally, I would have liked to live at Ranger's with Sin,but I didn't want to overstay my welcome. And really, Ranger isn't exactly shy in taking what he wants. If he had wanted me to stay there, he would have said so.

"You're staying overnight. Bring Rex." Ranger told me, and hung up. I'm easy, so I clicked off the television, dumped the rest of my beer, packed a bag, and grabbed Rex's cage, and my gun, on the way out the door. Ranger would be happy about the gun. I settled Rex's Hamster Habitat snuggly on the passenger seat, and drove to the building on Haywood.

"I need to shower." I told Ranger as he opened the door for me. I did need to shower, and dammit, if he was going to order me over here, I was going to use his shower gel. Sin rocket launched herself off of the counter top at me, hitting my shoulder with a thud. She dug her claws in to hang on and I almost dropped Rex. Actually, I did drop Rex - but Ranger's quick reflexes saved the day, and he caught the cage and relocated it to the counter.

I disengaged Sin's claws and cuddled her. She grabbed at my hair and chewed on it as she purred. Ranger pulled two beers and a plate of cake out of the fridge, and walked back to the couch with it. He muted the game as I sat down beside him. Sin hopped off my lap and curled up on his, the little traitor.

"I hear you've had a marriage proposal." he told me, as he handed me the plate of cake. I stared at it.

"Uh... Why is there cake in your apartment?"

"Figured you'd need it."

"You talked to Tank." I stated. Ranger didn't answer, so I looked up at him. He was looking at me with one eyebrow raised. Well of course he talked to Tank. "Cupid - the real Cupid, arrowed Joe. Joe thought I was his soulmate and proposed."

"Heard you wasted no time tying him up and hauling him away to have your wicked way with him."

"Depends on your definition of wicked way. It's all Diesel's fault this happened." I told him. "How was your afternoon?"

"Long, difficult, and exhausting." Ranger told me. "Now lets discuss why you called Diesel instead of me."

"You don't exactly have the skills needed to roust demons from Joe's mind."

"Sure I do." Ranger disagreed. "One well placed punch woulda done it."

"Ok, You don't have the skills to roust demons from Joe's mind without leaving physical evidence. So do I. Tank wouldn't let me." I said. He couldn't argue with that. "Apparently Cupid - the real Cupid that is - is antagonizing the word by matching people who aren't meant to be. He shot Joe with an arrow and Joe thought we were soulmates." I took a big bite of cake, and was silent until I chewed and swallowed. Then I finished explaining the entire thing to Ranger, without leaving out a detail. I had sensed a slight unease, jealousy even, underneath Ranger's even questioning. When I was done, Ranger slung an arm across my shoulders and I leaned sideways against him as I finished the cake. When I was done, I leaned forward to place the plate on the coffee table.

"Thanks." I sighed, and leaned heavier against Ranger. His arm tightened around my shoulders. "Do you believe in soulmates?" I blurted. I even shocked myself - I had been turning my worries over in my head all day, but I didn't want to sound like a sappy idiot either.

"Not really." He said. "Why?"

"Just curious. It's been a weird day."

"Arrows seem kind of dramatic." Ranger remarked. I knew what he meant - Cupid shooting arrows.

"Yeah. Apparently they aren't necessary. Apparenly Cupid is a drama queen."

"Probably gay, too."

I choked, hard enough that Ranger moved his arm, leaned me forward, and slapped me across the back a couple of times. "I'm ok." I coughed out. Ranger rubbed circles on my back as I coughed a couple more times, then I leaned into him again. His other hand moved to my face, cupping my chin as he brought his lips to mine. He moved forward, shifting me down into the couch, as his tongue touched mine.

Long minutes later he broke the kiss, and pulled away slightly. I opened my eyes to see him staring down at me, his own eyes dark with desire, but also almost pensive. My gaze travelled his face, and I noticed the lines of exhaustion around his eyes and mouth. I reached up and ran my hand through his hair. "You look tired."

"We should go to bed." He said. He got off of me, gathered the beer bottles and plate, and headed to the kitchen with them as I rolled off the couch. We showered together quickly and easily, although Ranger did stop once to kiss me thoroughly, and then we fell into bed together. I hadn't fully realized it but I was really tired too. I snuggled into Ranger, and closed my eyes.

"Mmm..you feel good." I sighed.

"So do you." He whispered in my ear, then rolled us so I was on my back, and he was on top of me. He nudged my legs further apart, and kissed my chin, then my nose. Then he pulled away a bit, and flashed m a wolf grin. "I'll feel even better in a minute." He said, his voice sly, and before I could react he kissed me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back, and then I was lost.

We stayed tangled together, afterwards. Instead of pulling away and re-arranging us like he usually did, Ranger just rolled over until he was on his back and I was on top of him. One of my hands was buried in his hair, and both of his arms stayed wrapped around my back. I turned my face into his neck and kissed it, closing my eyes. I was lulled to sleep in less than a minute as Ranger rubbed slow circles on my back. My last thought was that I wished he'd told me he loved me.


	4. Chapter 4

A long chapter. But hopefully a fun one. Unedited, basically. Diesel is still being my muse, and it is obvious from the way this story has gone entirely to the absurd and ridiculous.

A very special thanks to Stayce, who helped me fill in the gaps and brain storm, and fix pieces. It was and is greatly appreciated!

As always, I own nothing! Just playing J And warnings for language.

And, as always, Diesel LOVES reviews. And I am starting to too. So the more reviews, the more of a chance that we get chapter 4 one quickly. I am motivated to write most any evening. Diesel, however, seems to only be a good muse if he thinks there will be enough glory in it for him. Men. Geez.

**Chapter 4**

I loved waking up with Ranger. The weird thing this morning was that it was daylight out, and he was still in bed with me, propped up on one elbow and watching me, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

"Morning, Babe." he said as I blinked in the light. The he gifted me with a 200 watt smile. I smiled back and reached for him, burying my face in my favorite spot on his neck and breathing in his scent.

"I hate mornings." I mumbled into his neck. I felt him chuckle, and I sighed. "I like waking up like this, though."

"I can think of better ways to wake up." he rolled us so he was on top of me, and grinned down at me.

"Men." I grumbled. "All you ever think about is -" Ranger cut me off, quite effectively, by catching my lips in a gentle kiss. He ducked his head and dropped a kiss on my collarbone, before meeting my eyes again.

"Not always." He said softly.

I wasn't sure I liked where the conversation was going, so I assumed what I hoped was a playful tone and poked him in the shoulder. "Watch it Batman. I'm starting to think you LIKE my presence in your life."

Ranger raised an eyebrow, before giving me another kiss, filled with tenderness, and shifted us again, so that he was on his back and I was cuddled against his side. I closed my eyes and contemplated falling asleep again. His hand splayed across my back and massaged circles, fingers gently digging in for just the right amount of pressure. I moaned and cuddled closer to him.

His fingers were working me into a state, and I was just getting ready to climb on top of him and have MY wicked way when his watch alarm started beeping. Ranger blew out a breath and kissed the top of my head before rolling both of us out of bed. I stumbled over to my bag and rooted around for my clothes while he killed the alarm and then ordered breakfast.

"Did you run this morning?" I asked when he'd hung up the phone. I looked up in time to see Ranger shake his head, before walking into his closet. "No exercise today?"

"Didn't think you'd want to."

He could have gone on his own, without me, but didn't. I wanted to ask why he didn't, but I wasn't sure I'd like his answer. I bit my lip to keep from asking, and pulled my shirt over my head.

When I could see again, I was spun around and pulled into Ranger's arms. He hugged me, and dropped a kiss on my nose. "Glad you're here, Babe." He said, and then disappeared into the bathroom.

Not five minutes later, Ella came in with breakfast, and we sat down to eat. I grabbed a bagel off of the plate and immediately slathered it in butter, then looked for the jam. Ranger gave his head a nearly imperceptible shake before standing and striding to the fridge. Of course, I oggled his ass, and drooled onto my bagel a bit, as he walked away. Then he came back and set the jar of jam in front of me.

"That stuff'll kill you." He told me, sitting down again. Ignoring him, I opened the jar and smeared a generous amount on my bagel. I bit into it, and a glob of Jam stuck to the bottom of my lower lip. "Babe." Ranger reached out with a finger and wiped it away, before holding his finger to my mouth for me to clean off.

"So." I asked once he had reclaimed his hand and taken a bite of his bagel with lox and cream cheese. He raised an eyebrow at me while he chewed, and waited. "Would you seriously have punched Joe last night?"

"Only if you said yes." He told me.

I swallowed. "Okay."

"Yesterday was the first time you called someone other than me for help." Ranger said, pouring us both another cup of coffee.

I didn't think it would be a good idea to admit to him that I hadn't even thought of him for that situation. At least the other part of the truth was easier. "You didn't really have the skills required for that situation." I thought about Diesel's powder and funky supernatural abilities.

"You made the right choice, Babe."

I opened my mouth to ask why it an issue, then, when it clicked. Oh. I stuffed another bite of bagel in and chewed.

"What are your plans today?" Ranger asked.

"Not sure. I'll go to the office this morning, then probably spend the afternoon trying to find Cupid before he creates any more disasters in my life." Like my life needed his help in the disaster department.

"I've got a meeting at 10. I can help you out this afternoon, if you want."

"Sure." I said, and we continued to eat. I couldn't keep my mind quiet, though, and thoughts kept circling. What did Ranger want from me? Why was I here? And why, if he wanted sex, did he feed me cake - CAKE - and then crawl into bed...The sex was almost an afterthought last night. As if..he hadn't intended it but we fell together naturally. And this morning. And why on earth did he - "Why is Rex here?" I blurted out, then cursed my tongue for getting ahead of my brain. Should not have said that!

Ranger raised one eyebrow. "You brought him with you."

"Why?"

"I asked you to."

"No. You told me to. Why?"

He suppressed a sigh, as if I was an annoying child, and I started to bristle. "I meant to ask." He said quietly.

Huh? That was almost as good as an apology, coming from Batman. "Ok. Why?"

"I wanted..I want you to spend the weekend. We're supposed to go to Mama and Papa's party tomorrow. It's easier if you stay here."

It's easier. Not that he wanted me here, per say, he just didn't want the inconvenience of driving to my apartment. "I could have driven myself, you know." I pointed out. "I'm supposed to meet Celia at two."

"I'll drop you off." Damned ESP. I sighed.

Ranger stood up, and came to my side of the table, pulling me to my feet and wrapping an arm around my waist, pressing his hand against the small of my back. His other hand twined with my fingers. "Just thought it would be easier to spend time with you. It's a busy weekend." He kissed my forehead, then the tip of my nose, and then my lips. Then he stepped away from me, and started to clear the table. We put what was left of breakfast away in easy silence. It was a pretty simple chore, what with Ella and all. All we did was put the leftover food in the fridge, leave the dirty dishes piled neatly on the tray, and we were done. Ranger grabbed his gun off the sideboard and clipped it onto his belt. That made two guns that I knew of, and I knew there was at least a knife in his boot. Probably at least one other in a pocket. He fished through the dish and pulled out the keys to the Turbo.

"I'll pick you up after my meeting. It'll probably be around noon." He told me. Then he reached out with one hand and pulled me to him. Next thing I knew, he was kissing me. I was trying rather desperately to get his shirt off when he broke the kiss and took my hands in his, stilling the movement.

"Later, Babe. No time right now." He said, a tinge of regret in his voice. He kissed me softly on the nose, and then wrapped his arms around me in a hug. "Do you want a ride to the office, too?"

I wasn't ready to give him up yet, I thought, as I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed in the essence of Ranger and Bulgari. "Sure." I said.

Ranger was never much for company when driving, but it was still nice to ride with him. I started to turn Ranger's comment about it being easier to spend time together this weekend if I were at his place around in my head, but forced it out quickly. I wasn't sure if he meant for sex or for company, and I wasn't sure I'd like the answer anyhow. And I didn't want to start wondering why, if he felt it was easier if I was there, that he didn't want me to stay in the first place. I didn't thing I wanted to travel that road right now, it would just eat at me, so I pushed the questions out of my mind, and focused on my day. Nails with Connie and Lula, and then cruising Trenton with Ranger in hopes of finding Cupid. Probably we wouldn't have much luck, but it would be a chance for mindless driving with Ranger...and maybe a quick stop at the apartment. I was really feeling the need for his sheets today. For him between his sheets with me, today.

When we got to the Bonds Office, I opened the door and was halfway out of the car when Ranger's hand snaked out and grasped mine. He brought my palm to his lips and kissed it, before letting my fingers slide through his and letting go. "Be careful." He told me.

He waited until I was in the office before driving off. I saw the Porsche peel away from the curb out of the corner of my eye, as I greeted Connie.

"Lula here yet?"

"Lula's never here on time." Connie rolled her eyes. "I brought all of the polish." We were getting together this morning for a girls morning of a sort. A morning of Donuts, gossip, and nail polishing.

"Since she's late, she'd better pick up the food." I decided. It saved me a trip, since I didn't have a vehicle. "Got any new files?" I asked...Since I was at the Office anyways.

"Nope. It's been quiet." Which was probably good, I mused. Afterall, it gave me more time to catch Cupid before he cause more trouble. God forbid Morelli not marry Elaine.

I flopped on the couch, stretched out, and closed my eyes with a sigh. I crossed my arms beneath my head, and let myself float, trying to empty my mind.

"Rough morning?" Connie asked.

"Nah. Just been thinking too hard."

Connie seemed to accept my answer, and went back to shuffling papers while I voided my brain. It didn't work well, though, and I found myself thinking about Ranger's hands, and all of the incredible things he could do with them. Probably I needed a heavy sugar dose.

"Yo, White girl, whatever you're thinking of, I want me some of that." Lula's voice intruded, directly in my ear. I jumped 3 feet in the air, and landed sitting up.

"Well, you don't get any of it. Mine." I spluttered, trying to gather myself. "Geez, you scared me!"

"You oughta be scared of Lula. Fuckin' A. Especially if you ain't gonna share your delicious thoughts."

"You've got Tank!" I argued. Lula's expression turned thoughtful, and then she grinned.

"Ah. So Batman be the way of it." Yeah. As if she didn't know. "I brought the donuts." she added, turning away and grabbing one out of the box. I stood up and did the same. A good sugar overload was just the thing to get my thoughts away from naked Ranger. Although it was questionable what was better, naked Ranger or a donut. At one point in time I would have said donut, hands down. But... well...No, I guess that's a lie. At one point I would have chosen the donut, but that's only because Ranger still scared me. Or more likely it was because I was still with Morelli. Now... Ranger would win in the battle against the donut any day.

I was still eating my first Bostom Creme when Connie grabbed my left hand and pulled it over. "You're first." She told me. Connie liked doing nails. I think maybe she should have chosen that as her profession, instead of working for my rat of a cousin. But then, I guess working for Vinnie does mean she has plenty of time to do her own, since she basically runs the place. Vinnie couldn't run it if his life depended on it. Connie was the backbone, so Connie could do whatever she wanted to.

"Why are we doing this, again?" I asked as Connie worked on my first hand.

"Because Batman got my man Tank otherwise occupied this morning, and I needed something to do until I get him back." Lula said. Then her face went dreamy, and she sighed. "My man, Tank, he is one fine hunka man."

I grimaced, but Lula didn't see. Connie made a similar face. "I'm stuck here all morning anyhow. This is fun."

That left me. I wasn't sure why we decided to do this, this morning, but it was definitely relaxing. "Better than chasing psychos." I finally decided on.

"Amen to that, Sista." Lula crowed.

A few minutes later, Connie moved onto my second hand, and Lula snatched the first to inspect it. "Hm..." She narrowed her eyes, then looked up. "Where's the black marker?"

"Why?" I asked suspiciously. Lula was rooting around in Connie's nail-care bag, looking for the black marker she kept in it. She glanced up at me and grinned.

"Well, you are Batman's woman, afterall." Oh shit. I didn't need to hear it to know that Lula was going to draw little black bats on all of my fingers.

"NO!" I jerked my hand out of hers, which also jerked my other hand out of Connie's grasp, sending a patch of polish across the side of my finger. "I have a party to go to tomorrow and I can't go with bats on my fingers!" I looked down at my hands. "Nice. You're artistic." I told her. My left hand was sporting three tone nails; courtesy of three different colors polish and Connie's artistic talent. And they looked spectacular.

"Party? How come Lula wasn't invited?"

"It's for Ranger's parents. I'm going with him. And I can't go with bats on my nails!" I added again for good measure.

"You sure? Cause if you're really sure, Ol' Lula will do the bats another time."

"Yeah. You can do them another time." I agreed.

"Now tell me about this party." Lula suggested, giving me a sly grin.

By noon the three of us had perfectly painted nails, and mine were going to match my dress for the next day perfectly, and I still hadn't told them anything about Ranger's family or the party. I was sitting on the couch again listening to Lula go on about Tank - one of her favorite subjects - when Ranger's Porsche pulled to the curb.

Ranger stepped out, and so did Tank. Lula's entire face lit up, and she did a happy dance on the spot. Ranger shook his head, and Tank had the stupidest grin on his face as they stepped into the office, Ranger first, Tank bringing up the rear. As the door was swinging closed, I heard a zinging noise, and Tank stiffened. Unaware, Ranger kept walking towards me, and I had a full view of Tank, as well as the arrow sticking out of his ass.

Tank eyes scanned the room quickly, zeroing in on me. He leered at me, and took a step forward. "Let's get naked." he suggested, advancing on me as if I was prey.

"WHAT?!" Lula roared, at the same time as I uttered my own uncouth swear.

"No way." I told Tank, putting out an arm to fend him off, which I dug around for my cell phone with the other hand. It was an error in judgment, to fend him off at arms length, because he just grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his body.

"You know you want it." He said, stalking towards the wall, backing me as he went. Shit. Where was my stun gun? My cell phone? The phone has to be here somewhere. Tank waggled his eyebrows with me, and pulled my lower body tighter to his.

Fuck. "Somebody Stun Him!" I hollered out. I spared a quick glance at Ranger's face, and he looked mutinous, stalking towards Tank himself. "Not kill. Stun!" I told him. "Lula! STUN HIM already!" I couldn't find my phone. Where the hell was my fucking phone? Where the hell was CONNIE???

"I'm not gonna stun my man, I might fry his brains. I'm gonna stun YOUR ass for poaching my man, white bitch." Lula growled. And I couldn't find my phone. I had Tank trying to molest me, Ranger stalking him from one side without paying any attention to my demands for a stun gun, and Lula stalking ME from the other. And I couldn't find my fucking phone. Aha. There it was. I flipped it open and hit speed dial 3. It started to ring.

"His brain's already fried, STUN him!" I demanded, as Tank licked a trail from my ear to my chin. I twisted, trying to get out of his grasp, but it didn't work. Ranger pounced towards Lula, as she lunged at me with her stun gun at the ready.

"Uh...I don't think I want to know." Diesel's voice came through on the phone.

"Don't you dare hang up. Get your ass over here and FIX this." I demanded, as Lula's body connected with mine, knocking the phone out of my hands and me out of Tank's arms. Thank God. At the same time, Ranger caught Lula from behind, and she jerked back in a reflex reaction and the stun gun connected with his shoulder. He dropped like a sack of rocks, and everyone went still. Even Tank forgot about me momentarily, and I bolted further away from him.

"Oh Shit. Batman's gonna kill me."

"Better you than me." Tank said. Lula's face went even darker.

"He's gotta wake up first." I pointed out. "Now STUN TANK DAMMIT!" I shrieked, as Tank bounded towards me once again.

"NO! THAT'S MY MAN!" Lula roared, and she came flying at me, claws extended. Now I was dodging two irrational beings, both built like brick shithouses. I ducked around the chair and hopped onto the couch, bouncing across. I tripped on my way back down but managed to catch myself with some fancy dancing and stayed on my feet. As I bolted past the door, I ran smack into Hal, who was walking in.

I pushed off of him with one hand and ducked around the desk as Connie left Vinnie's office. "Lotta help you are. Somebody fucking STUN HIM!"

Connie rushed over to Hal, as he pulled a stun gun out and flicked a switch. Thank god, only a couple more seconds of dodge-rambo and it would be taken care of. Then I saw the door swing open of it's own volition and another arrow flew through. It hit dead center of Hal's left butt cheek, and his eyes glazed over. He turned. Oh shit. Another one.

"Connie." He said, reaching one hand out to grasp hers. "You're an angel."

"FUCK!" An inhuman voice reverberated through the air, and a wooshing sound came from outside. And Butch and Butch-er were still chasing me. I dodged past the chair and knocked it in Tank's path, but he ducked around it easily. Lula tripped over it and went sprawling, but was on her feet and after me again in a flash. I caught Diesel's reflection in the door, and then he was gone again.

"GAH!" I tried to get to Vinnie's office, but Lula blocked the way. I was caught between the two, both ready to attack, when Diesel swaggered through the door. Hal jerked, spun, and stunned him.

Oh fuck. Now I'm REALLY screwed.

Diesel flew backwards into the wall, dropped on his ass, and sat there, dazed. "That HURT." he shook his head hard, and climbed to his feet. He grabbed the stun gun from Hal, and, thank all the Gods, bounded over and stunned Tank. He dropped to the ground.

"My MAN!" Lula roared, and rushed at Diesel. He deftly moved to the side, reached out, and Lula dropped beside Tank.

"Thank you. Now fix it." I demanded. Diesel raised an eyebrow at me, but it was all I could do to stay on my feet. I bent at the waist and placed my hands on my knees, panting.

"You wanna see this?" He asked. "Before I pull the arrow out?" I looked up. Tank was lying on his stomach, ass in the air, arrow still sticking out. Diesel grinned at me, grabbed the arrow, and yanked. I ducked my head again and didn't even pay attention as Diesel pulled his powder out of his diaper and did his thing over Tank's prone body. "Do I have to wipe their memory too?" Diesel gestured towards the door.

I looked over to Connie and Hal. They weren't paying attention at all, although Connie did seem to finally notice the arrow protruding from Hal's ass and reached behind him to yank it out. Diesel looked over at the couple.

"Him too, huh?"

"Connie, my angel, my love. Will you have dinner with me?" Hal pleaded. He had Connie's hand grasped tightly in both of his, and was looking at her with an expression of total adoration. Diesel walked over with his powder in hand.

Connie must have seen more than we realized, because she instantly stepped between Hal and Diesel. "No." She demanded. "I like him."

"Well, actually-" Diesel started. I grabbed Lula's stun gun off the floor, reached out, and hit him with it. Diesel flew backwards and landed on his ass again, before shaking his head and climbing to his feet.

"Leave Hal alone. They're cute together. And Connie's related to family." I glared. Then I looked at the stun gun, Diesel, and the gun again. "Cool."

"If you would have let me finish, I was going to say they are a good match." Diesel scowled at me.

"I can keep him?" Connie asked.

"He's not a pet, Con." I looked at Diesel. "Will they be happy?"

"Yup." He said.

"Let's go get lunch." Connie told Hal. Hand in hand, they left the office. Huh. They were both smitten. I was still panting, so I sat on the couch and put my head in my hands.

"What the hell took you so long?" I demanded between breaths.

"Was just about through the door when I heard Cupid. I went to try and find him."

"The voice that yelled fuck?" I asked.

"Yup. He's pretty pissed that Hal backfired."

"Huh?" I mustn't be too swift because Hal and Connie seemed like a great match to me.

"Not Connie. He was meant for you."

I stood up and stalked towards Diesel, my eyes narrowed. "What didn't you tell me yesterday?" I demanded.

"Nothing." Diesel shrugged. I snaked my arm out and stunned him. Again, he went flying before bouncing off of his ass and back onto his feet. "Would you quit doing that?!"

"Tell me the truth." I snarled at him. I was fed up, out of breath, and pissed off.

"He's targeting you."

"Why?"

"Because I enlisted your help." Diesel admitted, jumping to the side to avoid me in case I tried to stun him again.

"Great. So now I have a psychotic unmentionable after me, who is making everyone fall in love with me. And it's all your fault!" I countered his sideways move and almost, almost managed to get him with the stun gun again.

"Stun me again, and I won't help you next time."

"Refuse to help and if I find Cupid I'll help him hide." I threatened. Diesel looked at me for a minute.

"Just...Geez. Be careful. And don't let these three kill each other when they wake up. Tank and Lula won't know what happened, but I didn't dare mess with Ranger's memory. He could make life very painful."

"Don't you mean he could kill you?"

"I'm hard to kill."

"I wouldn't underestimate Ranger." I told him.

"Oh. I don't. Believe me. That's why he's still got his memory. Ciao!" He said, and opened the door.

"Wait. Is..." I stopped, and wondered if I should even be asking.

"Is what?" Diesel turned around.

I took a breath. "Is Ranger..unmentionable.. too?"

"Nah." Diesel said, heading through the door. "He's 100 human. He's just damned good." And the door swung shut behind him, and he was gone.

I turned around and surveyed the scene around me, my thoughts spinning in circles. The couch was askew from the wall, the two chairs knocked over across the floor, papers scattered all over hell's half acre behind Connie's desk... The office was a warzone. And two tough Special Forces men and one ex-hooker were lying prone on the floor, drooling. We had completely drained the batteries on two stun guns. I oughta buy stock in Duracell, I'd make a fortune. Welcome to the life of Stephanie Plum, I thought, as I bent down under the one chair to retrieve my cell phone. It couldn't get any weirder. No wonder I can't seem to have a real relationship. No one in his right mind would want me.

I sank down to the floor and sat by Ranger's head. A few strands of hair had escaped from his ponytail and had fallen over his face. I brushed them back and trailed my fingers down the planes of his face while I waited for the three musketeers to come back to the land of the living.


	5. Chapter 5

**After a long, long delay, I present you all with Stupid Cupid Chapter 5.**

**Same old disclaimers, consider yourselves warned.**

**I own Sin, none of the rest. Not that Sin really shows up.**

**Chapter 5**

"This feels like High School."

"I could have driven myself, you know." I answered as we drove into Newark. Ranger was dropping me off at Celia's to get ready for his parents' anniversary party. Celia was doing my hair - as per her demands. She was a hairdresser and aesthetist by day, and she insisted. I had to admit I was a little bit scared of whatever she intended for me. My dress and shoes were already there; Celia had taken them with her for me when we left the mall with a stunned Joe. And now, Ranger was driving me over. And he wasn't happy about it.

"I want to drive you. I just don't see why we can't get ready together."

"I'm sure Celia would love to do your hair. And makeup." I agreed, running my fingers through his hair, which he'd left down today.

"Babe."

I shrugged and took my hand back as Ranger continued to drive. I knew he just wanted me to himself, and was, perhaps, worried about Celia ruining the Man of Mystery thing he's had going for so long. It was also early, something he'd already whined about earlier when Celia had phoned and told him she wanted me by eleven, instead of 2 - did Celia really need me five hours early? I guess he thought the decorating was supposed to happen on its own. Typical male.

He'd been a bit whiney and out of sorts since the stunning incident the day before. He woke up shortly after Diesel left, while I was caressing his face and trying to figure out what our relationship was. His first words were "I'm going to kill that woman." Meaning Lula. I reminded him that she was his best friend's girl, but apparently he was going to kill Tank too.

He was shaky when he first tried to get up, and I scooted over for him to lean on me. I'd been stunned before and I knew from experience that the waking up part was NOT fun.

I explained everything that happened while he was out, and talked him out of murder, although he still kept grumbling about it. By the time we had the Bonds Office cleaned up, Tank and Lula had awakened. Then, because Ranger was looking tired and woozy - typical of stunning - we called off the Cupid-search plan and retreated to Rangeman where Ranger and I crawled into bed and slept the day away.

Of course, this means he was wide-awake most of the night, and so was I. He kicked Sin out of the bedroom and we put our time to good use, making love and even talking. Well, mostly the talking consisted of Ranger insisting that we plot non-death related revenges on Tank and Lula.

"We're here." Ranger's voice cut into my thoughts as he pulled u in front of a house. He parked, unbuckled me, and pulled me towards him. After kissing me thoroughly, he let me go.

"Don't believe anything she tells you." He said as I got out of the car. He waited until Celia had let me in before driving off.

Five hours later, I was standing beside a table wringing my hands together as I stood next to Celia and Mama Manoso. The preparations had been finished, and Celia had performed miracles on my hair. Now the party was well underway, and I was left with time on my hands to be scared to death. The majority of the large circle of Manoso family and friends were already here. The only one noticeably missing was Ranger.

He had called me a half hour or so earlier to let me know he was going to be late. Celia had, at that moment, grabbed my phone and informed Ranger that he'd better make it, after all of her efforts on me, or else she would kill him. Then she hung up on him, looked at me, and said "That's so cute, how he calls you Babe and then pretends you're just good friends."

That was the kicker. Truth is, I wasn't sure what we were. Friends with benefits and meet the parents? He loved me, but as he said, there are all kinds of love. And he hardly ever said it. And hell, he had let me leave Sin with him, but hadn't suggested I move in too. So it isn't like he wants me around all the time. My thoughts were wreaking havoc on my nerves. I looked down at my hands and realized I had such a grip on them that they had turned white. "Calm down, Stephanie." I admonished myself.

I might have succeeded in forcing calm, except that at that moment, the hairs on the back of my neck all stood on end. Slowly, I turned around and raised my eyes from the ground. Ranger was standing twenty feet away, framed along the corner of the stark white tent, watching me. His eyes were dark, and his face blank, but I could feel his intensity cut through the air. I tore my eyes away from him to make sure Celia noticed he was there, but they were gone, and I was standing alone. I looked back towards Ranger, and he was in front of me. He had moved like a panther, fluid and graceful, silent. And he was looking at me like I was prey.

He stopped in front of me, so close it was probably indecent, and his gaze raked my body, traveling up and down. I was wearing the red-burgundy-something-colored dress that clung to me in all the right places and fell just shy of my knees. My shoulders were exposed, and felt washed out in contrast with all of Ranger's dark-skinned Cuban relatives. Celia had pinned my hair up in a manner too precise for me to be bothered with, most of the time, then shook a few tendrils down to frame my face. They had all thought it was perfect but to be honest, I was skeptical. Mostly, I was worried Ranger wouldn't approve. And now he was standing in front of me, inspecting every inch of my body.

When his eyes finally met mine, they were black as night. His hand came up to my head, and hovered just above my hair. "Your sister is a goddess." I told him.

He shook his head once, sharply, and when he spoke, his voice was soft as silk. "The only goddess here is you." He leaned in closer to me, his gaze searing into mine as he gently fingered a tendril of my hair. "I'm going to take great enjoyment in letting this down." Slowly he dropped his hand, and trailed his fingers down my spine, along the zipper of my dress, sending shivers through my body at his touch. "And taking this off. Unwrapping you, like a present. Maybe we should leave now." he suggested.

"Your parents would kill us." I pointed out. It wouldn't take much to convince me to leave with him right now, not with him looking at me like I was irresistible. He leaned forward, and kissed the shell of my ear.

"They'd have to find us first. And there are places we could go they don't know about." He breathed. Then he jerked, startling me. He pulled back and spun around, and we both stared at Celia, who had just smacked him upside the head.

"You can ravish your **girlfriend** later." Celia emphasized, glaring at him. "I did NOT spend all that time doing her hair for you to wreck it before at least 10 tonight." Grandma Rosa suddenly peeked around Celia's shoulder, and grinned at us, before speaking rapidly in Spanish.

Ranger looked decidedly uncomfortable, and glanced my way before looking back at his grandmother. "No." Then he turned back towards me, and took both of my hands in his. "Come with me?"

"You better be going to wish Mama and Papa a happy anniversary, not sneak off and wreck my hard work." Celia warned.

"Are you suggesting Stephanie doesn't look perfect without your help?" He demanded, rounding back on Celia, who grinned widely. She had Ranger's two hundred watt smile, even, and it was especially present when she was needling her brother.

"Of course not. If you could resist her, she wouldn't be here." Celia rolled her eyes. "I'm just helping you test your control."

"My control is just fine."

"Yeah right." Celia scoffed. "I saw you. You're ga-ga over Stephanie. Especially in that dress." Then she winked at me. Ranger just shook his head, as if he couldn't believe he was having this conversation, then started walking, brushing past Celia. Since my hand was still grasped firmly in his, our fingers threaded together and his warm on the back of my hand, I had no choice but to follow.

"Are you really ga-ga over me?" I couldn't help but ask once we were out of earshot.

"Babe."

Right. Of course not. Why would he be? Hell, if he was, I'd be living with him. He didn't want a relationship, not in that sense. It made my heart ache, but I guessed that probably I just got too comfortable when I was living there while they repaired my apartment. "What'd your grandma say?" I asked. I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but I was pretty sure it pertained to both of us, and probably I should know.

"She wanted to know if that dress would make me put a ring on your finger."

Oh. He squeezed my hands and stopped long enough to kiss me gently, a soft kiss with no tongue. I could tell it was meant as a reassurance, and it did make me feel a little bit better. Even if he didn't intend to put a ring on my finger, he at least cared for me. A lot. Loved me, in his own way. And really, I didn't even want a ring, not really. I didn't think, anyhow.

"Mama." Ranger acknowledged, snapping me back to the present. He hugged his mom, shook his dad's hand, and then wrapped his arm around me, pulling me against him as they started talking in Spanish. I let myself zone out, and focused on how warm and cozy it felt to be tucked up against his side. My mind wandered back to the conversation we had with Tank and Lula after they woke up.

"_I got arrowed." Tank had said, and it hadn't been a question. I had nodded anyways, and he seemed to think about it for a minute. "I hope I wasn't as embarrassing as Joe."_

"_Worse." I told him cheerfully, and Ranger had wrapped a possessive arm around me. Lula had narrowed her eyes._

"_What'dya mean?"_

"_Trust me, you don't want to know."_

"_Fuck." Tank had said, conversationally. _

"_That about sums it up." Ranger told him._

"Babe." Ranger's amused voice broke into my thoughts. I looked up at him. "I asked you twice if you wanted something to eat." He said as he toyed with a strand of my hair.

"Yeah. Food. Absolutely." I said. We went over to the table and filled our plates, before spending the evening surrounded by Ranger's boisterous family. We danced and ate, and danced, and ate some more. Mostly we ate. Or at least, I did. After his first plateful, Ranger settled for occasionally stealing food off of my plate. At one point, he randomly produced an extra fork and started sharing my second piece of cake. "Um..." I said, slanting him a glance.

"That stuff'll kill you. Least I can do is save you from part of it." He grinned at me, taking another bite.

A while later, I was falling asleep on Ranger's shoulder. We were sitting at a table, so I could rest my aching feet, and I was absolutely exhausted. It was 9:30 on a Sunday night, and the party showed no signs of slowing down. "Do they not sleep?" I asked Ranger on a yawn, eliciting a chuckle from him.

"Sometimes yes, sometimes no." He said, brushing a tendril of hair off of my forehead. "Ready to go?" He whispered, resting his head on top of mine for the briefest moment.

"Mmmm..Yeah. Do I get to sleep in your bed tonight?"

"Couch is off limits, Babe." He whispered in my ear. He made no mention of my apartment, so I guessed that meant I could stay with him. I was glad - I loved sleeping cuddled against him, tangled in his arms. "C'mon, you have to stand up." He prodded me, and I swayed a bit as I got to my feet. He steadied me with an arm around my waist, and then looked at the rest of the table. I smiled and murmured goodbye, but I was entirely too tired from our wakeful night the night before, and the busy-ness of the day to handle much more. I was only half aware as Ranger tucked me into the Turbo and drove us back to Rangeman.

I was still sleepy when we got off the elevator on the 7th floor, and stepped into the apartment. As soon as I was through the door, Ranger swung it closed before scooping me up, carrying me into the bedroom, and setting me gently onto the bed. As I sat on the edge, he sank down to eye level, then kissed me softly, almost reverently. His fingers slid into my hair, and he slowly started to remove pins between kisses, until my hair was cascading down my shoulders. Then he kissed me, slow and deep, long and lingering, before lifting me to my feet and unzipping the dress, sliding the straps down my arm until it fell, and pooled at my feet. Carefully, he lifted me to lay me on his bed, then stood there, staring down at me with a small smile playing on his lips while his gaze raked my barely clad body. Then he joined me, and our mouths fused, and he proceeded to make love to me as if I was fragile porcelain.


End file.
